What Consultants are All About

[My Agile Coach friend sent this to me. I thought it was hilarious]

Everything You Need to Know About Consultants

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Oliver Peoples sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Apple notebook computer, connects it to his Verizon iPhone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says,

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” Says the shepherd. He watches the young man selects one of the animals stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business.

“…Now give me back my dog.”

[EPIC]

While searching for pictures of “consultants.” I came across tons of … cheesy stock photos. Gotta love the smiles! Now I never have to search again.

[Click for larger images]

 

 

FacebookTwitterLinkedInShare

11 Responses to “What Consultants are All About”

  1. Craig Strong
    November 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Lol that’s a very funny analogy. Love those images as well.

    • peter
      November 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      Gotta love consultants!

  2. Dave Gordon
    November 13, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    A fat, middle-aged consultant is flying home from Denver, when the cute, young corporate drone in the adjacent seat decides to strike up a conversation.

    Drone: “So, what do you do?”

    Consultant: “I’m a consultant.”

    Drone: “Oh. But, what is it that you DO? I mean, what kind of consulting?”

    Consultant: “I help companies articulate their choices so their decision makers can select among their options, based on their business model, their priorities, and their tolerance for risk.”

    Drone: “So, you ask a bunch of questions, and assemble the answers into a Powerpoint presentation? And present them to management?”

    Consultant: ” Yeah, if you leave out all the other stuff, that’s correct.”

    Drone: “What other stuff?”

    Consultant: “Earning management’s trust.”

    Drone: ” I already have the trust of our management.”

    Consultant: “Well, that would certainly explain why you were at the meeting.”

    Drone: “What meeting?”

    • peter
      November 13, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

      HA! That’s excellent!

  3. AgileRenee
    February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    Pete – last word of the joke I think is meant to say sheep. #notaconsultantmustbeinquality

    • peter
      February 8, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

      ha. that’s the point. the consultant picked the sheep herding dog…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What Consultants are All About | Agile | Syngu - November 12, 2011

    […] [My Agile Coach friend sent this to me. I thought it was hilarious] Everything You Need to Know About Consultants A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Oliver […]You just finished reading What Consultants are All About! Consider leaving a comment! We run our blog on Standard Theme. Be a writer for us. Post a job with us on Agile Jobs.    Agile Read the original post on Agile Scout… […]

  2. Retrospective 58 – People Over Technology | Agile Scout - November 12, 2011

    […] A story about what consultants are all about. […]

  3. Thanksgiving and Agile – 10 Reasons We’re Thankful for Agile | Agile Scout - November 23, 2011

    […] A fun story about consultants […]

  4. [Humor] – Business Roles and Designations – For a Baby | Agile Scout - February 7, 2012

    […] – Kinda like What Consultants are All About and How Devs, QA, Designers See Each […]

  5. Agile Project Management and Your Search Marketing Cycle - Agile Scout - April 6, 2012

    […] can you make progress with online marketing for your consulting business? If you’re marketing your blog or your agile services as a trainer, consultant or developer, […]

Leave a Reply