What Consultants are All About

[My Agile Coach friend sent this to me. I thought it was hilarious]

Everything You Need to Know About Consultants

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Oliver Peoples sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Apple notebook computer, connects it to his Verizon iPhone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says,

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” Says the shepherd. He watches the young man selects one of the animals stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business.

“…Now give me back my dog.”

[EPIC]

While searching for pictures of “consultants.” I came across tons of … cheesy stock photos. Gotta love the smiles! Now I never have to search again.

[Click for larger images]

 

 

Author: peter

Peter Saddington is an Organizational Scientist and Certified Scrum Trainer. You can find him at AgileforAll.com

11 thoughts on “What Consultants are All About”

  1. Pingback: What Consultants are All About | Agile | Syngu
  2. A fat, middle-aged consultant is flying home from Denver, when the cute, young corporate drone in the adjacent seat decides to strike up a conversation.

    Drone: “So, what do you do?”

    Consultant: “I’m a consultant.”

    Drone: “Oh. But, what is it that you DO? I mean, what kind of consulting?”

    Consultant: “I help companies articulate their choices so their decision makers can select among their options, based on their business model, their priorities, and their tolerance for risk.”

    Drone: “So, you ask a bunch of questions, and assemble the answers into a Powerpoint presentation? And present them to management?”

    Consultant: ” Yeah, if you leave out all the other stuff, that’s correct.”

    Drone: “What other stuff?”

    Consultant: “Earning management’s trust.”

    Drone: ” I already have the trust of our management.”

    Consultant: “Well, that would certainly explain why you were at the meeting.”

    Drone: “What meeting?”

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